Hamid Karzai Sworn Into Second Term as Kristen Stewart

President Hamid Karzai began his second term as brooding teen superstar Kristen Stewart, on Tuesday. The swearing in marks a watershed moment in a contentious, often violent chapter in contemporary history.

"In spite of the will of the Afghan people, and absence of coherent reason I will continue as to proudly hold office as the pouty, teenage girl you have all come to love," Karzai said.

Karzai's second term as the young Stewart does not have wide support, even among the teen idols Twilight cast mates.

Robert Pattinson said, "Frankly, it's a transparent bid for attention, but I couldn't care less."

The brooding ingenue herself refused to speak to reporters for this story.

ze frank on afghanistan, briefly (video)

Back in the day, watching The Show enlightened me to the potential that lay in the audience of web content. ze frank, The Show's creator, now does a video series for TIME magazine online. If you haven't seen those videos in awhile, revisit them. His new show is starting to reach the great heights of the old one. Very, very good stuff.

you

this site isn't much, but I have a lot of fun making stuff that you enjoy.

thank you for reading and sharing these last few days. it keeps the site fun for me.

I spent most of the day figuring out audio embedding options for the site. Jon Allen and Joel Van Haren are getting eager to start producing more audio pieces, so hopefully we'll have that soon. Forewent fun for tech research today. Someone has to do it.

thank you, again, for coming back and reading.

Fort Hood

You should already know, by now, that a terrible tragedy has occurred at Fort Hood. Many are dead, and families have been crushed. There is no humor here.

Sexy Threesome/War Dead PSA

The television show "Gossip Girl" is set to air an episode with a sexy threesome. Parents are outraged. Some people think there are more important censorship issues over which to become incensed.

A public service announcement follows.

the day in lessons

There were many lessons learned today, by a host of different folks.

Mayor Bloomberg learned that you can win them all, but to do so, you have to change the rules of the game, and live with perpetual disdain from even your supporters.

Corzine learned that it doesn't pay to make fun of fat people, especially when you are an unpopular governor in a state full of angry fat people.

Mainers learned that putting human rights up for a vote rarely protects them. Or rather, never protects them. Fuck you, Maine. Pass the joint and kick a gay guy in the teeth. Why not?

Cleveland learned that when a rapist neighbor's house reeks of rotting human flesh, the cause may in fact be 10 decomposing bodies, and not plumbing problems at the candy factory. Good work, Cleveland.

All in all, a pretty average day.

Forty Ounces to Freedom.

When you think about it, a forty is a pretty darn economical way to drink beer. You wouldn't think so, I mean, who can really drink that much beer in a sitting. Alcoholics, that's who. Or thirsty people, in a pinch. My point is that the forty in my fridge from dinner last night has a screw cap. I just poured myself the first glass of the day, and the damn thing is still carbonated. Can you beat that? A forty ounce bottle of beer is like a six pack, but for only $3. Sure, you're missing a good thirty ounces from the six pack, but you're also not spending the $7 to get them.

I'm not going to delve any deeper into the math. It's pretty plain. I'm a frugal genius, and you should thank me for forging this path for you. In lieu of thanks, I will accept forties.

Also: Congratulations, Mayor Bloomberg on purchasing another mayoral term. It should turn out to have been worth every dime. Here's to four more years of governance, and probably four more, and four more, and four more.

(don't forget to share. my thanks spring eternal.)

Vote, but Don't Gloat.

It's an auspicious day. People are heading to the polls, but very few of them, and fewer still know why. Many people will arrive at the elementary school or community center today and know only one thing: that they are here to be counted. It's a better kind of counting then simply filling out the census alone in your room, the late summer evenings calling to you, you, stuck under penalty of law to finish, just finish the damn thing. A lot of energy is put into informing folks about what they are voting for, but never enough. It can never be enough.

Most voters today will simply choose their position randomly today. They might know the difference between a Democrat and a Republican, but they sure as hell won't know the difference between any two candidates today, let alone how they feel about a referendum on a water treatment facility. Today, voters will enter the voting stall, close their eyes and hope for the best.

And why not? We only have two years to go until the Mayan apocalypse, and they days aren't getting any longer, now that winter is around the corner. If you must vote, do, get out there and cast a ballot, no matter what the outcome. Just participate, damnit. But, please, if you see a thin man looking jealously at you as you cast your vote, don't flaunt your right. Maybe he hasn't established residency yet, and is responsible for his own disenfranchisement. You don't know his situation. It could happen to anyone. Just, please, be sensitive.

maddie davies pays a visit, van haren has a toilet emergency

maddie davies is a humorist living in Brooklyn, and a good friend of mine from back home in the States. the following is the first installment of an occasional series of dialogs between the two of us. we're fishing for both new readers and happy typing. looking for bites.

s: maddie, can you read me?

m: yes. do you think that the yanks will win the world series?

s: the yanks are like jocks flushing the nerd phillies heads in the toilet.

m: I had a funny idea for a sketch today involving how there's always a telephone by the toilet in hotels.

s: if you could only call one person before you had a serious toilet accident, who would it be?

m: alive or dead?

s: dead.

m: jesus cause i'd want to know if this is really what he had in mind when he invented the toilet phone.

s: he'd probably just answer in a riddle. you should keep in mind that jesus is alive, but his number is unlisted.

m: the number he gives out is fake, too. it's for a bakery in Queens.

s: I know that bakery!

(maddie writes over at yourpopquizkid.blogspot.com)

attention fortune five hundred marketing directors.

I'm going to devote this post to monetizing my blog, which is constantly suggested to me by a tab in my browser, below which I type. To that end, if you are a representative of a company that would would like to purchase some valuable internet real estate, please send me a check, and I will scan a hand drawn logo of your company onto my computer and upload it into this post.

this just in: big event, little brain.

When you are desperate to get something into the ether, and nothing interesting has happened to you personally, it makes good sense to talk about the events of the day. Attack the big idea and your reward will be a minimum of four hundred words.

Unfortunately, the big ideas today are all things that nobody really cares about. There's the mayors race; you know, that Bloomberg guy? I could also discuss the war in Afganistan and the fallout around a general running point in the cover up of a murder. Or, if I was feeling really slick, I could talk about the economy, and how not everything is coming up roses. For instance, it still costs a lot of money to do pretty much anything, these days.

It's unfortunate that these are the memes of the day, not for the obvious reason that they are all dire in their seriousness, but rather that I'm not qualified to intelligently discuss any of them.

I follow local politics, but I'm empty headed enough that the only impression I have of either candidate amounts to memories of fonts on litter in my apartment complex. The war in Afganistan is so forgettable, Hillary Clinton (did you know that she is the Secretary of State?) forgot to bring it up on her recent trip to Pakistan. As for the economy, as far as I can tell there was never any real problem, and there still isn't; except the no jobs thing. And people hiding their cash from sunlight. Besides that, it's all good.

I'll get back to you soon. I'm going to look for some content. Be right back.

Edits are for Pussies.

If you're one of my loved ones, sorry I haven't been in better touch. I live in New York now, and I have work. I'm managing to keep my head above water, which is more than can be said for a lot of smart folks. In other words, I know how fortunate I am to be blogging, even though I have work in the morning.

Speaking of work, I was offered a strange project a couple months ago, that I have yet to follow up on. I should work on that. Resident genius: if you're reading this, please pick up the phone when I call. If you do not, I understand.

It is somehow freeing to be typing directly into the christforsaken textbox inside this internet browser. It feels like I'm commenting on a facebook link. I'm sure my grammar is suffering for it. Fuck you grammar police. I went to your academy, I knew how to spell, but that was not at one o'clock in the morning, and your gestapo bullshit will get you nowhere. Save it for the office coffee break; late night, we make our own rules.

Rule number one: don't click on everything you see on buzzfeed. Case in point: although I was delighted to see an image of a thousand men crammed into a flatbed truck, I was disappointed to see a woman inserting her fingers into a fashion purse designed to resemble an open vulva. These links were on the same, Bob Saget friendly page. Old Saget, not new Saget, you dig?

And disappointed would be the wrong word. Embarrassed is more fitting. I was embarrassed to be looking at that picture while my wife sat next to me. But then, at least I was not alone, no?

More things: my sister in law is here, and she brought her boyfriend. Today, they ventured farther out into the Atlantic Ocean, than I will ever go. They went to Long Island, like deep into Long Island. This is a place I do not have the capacity to fantasize about. Not that I would, but I can't even imagine it. I guess there are nice hiking parks, and strip malls west of those parks. Also there is a labratory where they x-ray brain samples for free, but that means nothing to you. Forget I said anything. The brother of the esteemed boyfriend is also worthy of great esteem. We all shared dinner and it was amazing.

Yesterday was Halloween. The whole damn country reveled in having an extra hour this morning. Some waiters, who fancy themselves writers, took notes inside a textbox and posted it for people to read. And the dog slept, and the wife worked, and nobody went to work groggy in the morning.