http://oeneophyte.tumblr.com/

That is where I blog now. Drop by sometime. Also, @stevenvanharen on twitter.

Ciao.

I'm Here on my way to French Class

Cause of Back Pain Revealed to be Stupidity

The following is one of the dumbest things I have ever read in the New York Times. Here, from a report on standing desks:
"The model I tried was made by GeekDesk, an online furniture company founded by Donovan McNutt, a computer programmer. An inner-tube accident as a teenager left Mr. McNutt, now 44, with a bad back."


Inner-tube accident. 


McNutt: Dad, I can't go to baseball practice because my back hurts.
Dad: You lazy, entitled shit. Go outside before I choke you. 
McNutt: But, dad, my back! Remember? The accident? 
Dad: The inner-tube?
McNutt: The inner-tube.
Dad: Oh, jesus christ. You suck. 
McNutt: (fap)


Epilogue. McNutt builds desk. 


The end. 

iPad Pre-Ordering Begins Today

"Hey, kid. What's that you have there? Well I've got one that's nine times bigger. No, it does not make phone calls. Yeah, it'll be here soon. I'll hold your money until it comes. No, I won't spend it on mustache wax. Or porn."

On Conan

If Conan O'Brien was a circus bear, NBC would be a pile of shit.

Who Would You Rather... Be Mauled By?

Last night on the HuffPo front page:

And, while the families are in our prayers, the question remains:

Which pet would you prefer to be killed by? Inquiring minds need to know.

Bend Over Shorty (Awards)!

The Shorty Awards are the best reason ever to throw your laptop out the window of your fourth story apartment, hopefully reaching the adjacent building and taking out an aspiring David Archuleta.

Maybe you don't know what the Shorty Awards are. That makes two of us. Briefly, which is all the time I can bother to waste learning about this farce, the Shorty Awards recognize the best Twat of the year. The Twats are nominated by category.

Above, you'll notice that David Archuleta, karaoke singer, is in the Top 10 of nominees in three different categories: Health, Food, Education.

This means two things: first, Twats have a good sense of humor and think the prospect of an Archuleta sweep is as funny as I do. It also means that every second someone thinks seriously about who deserves a Shorty Award, they are doing nothing other than contributing to the heat death of the universe (at best), or keeping jobless, health insurance-less, child veterans on the streets in winter (at worst).

I can't wait to hear about the winners!

Regan' and Stealin'

Cameron Regan is apparently related to the father of the modern Republican party. TMZ reports that this kid went to jail the other day for screaming profanities at police officers. Once upon a time, he help a grifter steal some cars.

This prodigal grandchild should take a hard look in the mirror and be glad that he was not cursed with the vacant, hateful stare of his former progenitor, and get a job that doesn't continue to involve stealing cars. You've got a future kid. Move to the midwest and keep your head down. Stay away from Michael Steele and the tea-baggers, and you might turn out alright.

(photo: TMZ)

sexy healthcare

healthcare has never been sexier. it used to be a boring screaming match between newt and the clintons, but now we're treated to porn stars and tami-flu, all for the same low, low price of our dignity.

Hamid Karzai Sworn Into Second Term as Kristen Stewart

President Hamid Karzai began his second term as brooding teen superstar Kristen Stewart, on Tuesday. The swearing in marks a watershed moment in a contentious, often violent chapter in contemporary history.

"In spite of the will of the Afghan people, and absence of coherent reason I will continue as to proudly hold office as the pouty, teenage girl you have all come to love," Karzai said.

Karzai's second term as the young Stewart does not have wide support, even among the teen idols Twilight cast mates.

Robert Pattinson said, "Frankly, it's a transparent bid for attention, but I couldn't care less."

The brooding ingenue herself refused to speak to reporters for this story.

ze frank on afghanistan, briefly (video)

Back in the day, watching The Show enlightened me to the potential that lay in the audience of web content. ze frank, The Show's creator, now does a video series for TIME magazine online. If you haven't seen those videos in awhile, revisit them. His new show is starting to reach the great heights of the old one. Very, very good stuff.

you

this site isn't much, but I have a lot of fun making stuff that you enjoy.

thank you for reading and sharing these last few days. it keeps the site fun for me.

I spent most of the day figuring out audio embedding options for the site. Jon Allen and Joel Van Haren are getting eager to start producing more audio pieces, so hopefully we'll have that soon. Forewent fun for tech research today. Someone has to do it.

thank you, again, for coming back and reading.

Fort Hood

You should already know, by now, that a terrible tragedy has occurred at Fort Hood. Many are dead, and families have been crushed. There is no humor here.

Sexy Threesome/War Dead PSA

The television show "Gossip Girl" is set to air an episode with a sexy threesome. Parents are outraged. Some people think there are more important censorship issues over which to become incensed.

A public service announcement follows.

the day in lessons

There were many lessons learned today, by a host of different folks.

Mayor Bloomberg learned that you can win them all, but to do so, you have to change the rules of the game, and live with perpetual disdain from even your supporters.

Corzine learned that it doesn't pay to make fun of fat people, especially when you are an unpopular governor in a state full of angry fat people.

Mainers learned that putting human rights up for a vote rarely protects them. Or rather, never protects them. Fuck you, Maine. Pass the joint and kick a gay guy in the teeth. Why not?

Cleveland learned that when a rapist neighbor's house reeks of rotting human flesh, the cause may in fact be 10 decomposing bodies, and not plumbing problems at the candy factory. Good work, Cleveland.

All in all, a pretty average day.

Forty Ounces to Freedom.

When you think about it, a forty is a pretty darn economical way to drink beer. You wouldn't think so, I mean, who can really drink that much beer in a sitting. Alcoholics, that's who. Or thirsty people, in a pinch. My point is that the forty in my fridge from dinner last night has a screw cap. I just poured myself the first glass of the day, and the damn thing is still carbonated. Can you beat that? A forty ounce bottle of beer is like a six pack, but for only $3. Sure, you're missing a good thirty ounces from the six pack, but you're also not spending the $7 to get them.

I'm not going to delve any deeper into the math. It's pretty plain. I'm a frugal genius, and you should thank me for forging this path for you. In lieu of thanks, I will accept forties.

Also: Congratulations, Mayor Bloomberg on purchasing another mayoral term. It should turn out to have been worth every dime. Here's to four more years of governance, and probably four more, and four more, and four more.

(don't forget to share. my thanks spring eternal.)

Vote, but Don't Gloat.

It's an auspicious day. People are heading to the polls, but very few of them, and fewer still know why. Many people will arrive at the elementary school or community center today and know only one thing: that they are here to be counted. It's a better kind of counting then simply filling out the census alone in your room, the late summer evenings calling to you, you, stuck under penalty of law to finish, just finish the damn thing. A lot of energy is put into informing folks about what they are voting for, but never enough. It can never be enough.

Most voters today will simply choose their position randomly today. They might know the difference between a Democrat and a Republican, but they sure as hell won't know the difference between any two candidates today, let alone how they feel about a referendum on a water treatment facility. Today, voters will enter the voting stall, close their eyes and hope for the best.

And why not? We only have two years to go until the Mayan apocalypse, and they days aren't getting any longer, now that winter is around the corner. If you must vote, do, get out there and cast a ballot, no matter what the outcome. Just participate, damnit. But, please, if you see a thin man looking jealously at you as you cast your vote, don't flaunt your right. Maybe he hasn't established residency yet, and is responsible for his own disenfranchisement. You don't know his situation. It could happen to anyone. Just, please, be sensitive.

maddie davies pays a visit, van haren has a toilet emergency

maddie davies is a humorist living in Brooklyn, and a good friend of mine from back home in the States. the following is the first installment of an occasional series of dialogs between the two of us. we're fishing for both new readers and happy typing. looking for bites.

s: maddie, can you read me?

m: yes. do you think that the yanks will win the world series?

s: the yanks are like jocks flushing the nerd phillies heads in the toilet.

m: I had a funny idea for a sketch today involving how there's always a telephone by the toilet in hotels.

s: if you could only call one person before you had a serious toilet accident, who would it be?

m: alive or dead?

s: dead.

m: jesus cause i'd want to know if this is really what he had in mind when he invented the toilet phone.

s: he'd probably just answer in a riddle. you should keep in mind that jesus is alive, but his number is unlisted.

m: the number he gives out is fake, too. it's for a bakery in Queens.

s: I know that bakery!

(maddie writes over at yourpopquizkid.blogspot.com)

attention fortune five hundred marketing directors.

I'm going to devote this post to monetizing my blog, which is constantly suggested to me by a tab in my browser, below which I type. To that end, if you are a representative of a company that would would like to purchase some valuable internet real estate, please send me a check, and I will scan a hand drawn logo of your company onto my computer and upload it into this post.

this just in: big event, little brain.

When you are desperate to get something into the ether, and nothing interesting has happened to you personally, it makes good sense to talk about the events of the day. Attack the big idea and your reward will be a minimum of four hundred words.

Unfortunately, the big ideas today are all things that nobody really cares about. There's the mayors race; you know, that Bloomberg guy? I could also discuss the war in Afganistan and the fallout around a general running point in the cover up of a murder. Or, if I was feeling really slick, I could talk about the economy, and how not everything is coming up roses. For instance, it still costs a lot of money to do pretty much anything, these days.

It's unfortunate that these are the memes of the day, not for the obvious reason that they are all dire in their seriousness, but rather that I'm not qualified to intelligently discuss any of them.

I follow local politics, but I'm empty headed enough that the only impression I have of either candidate amounts to memories of fonts on litter in my apartment complex. The war in Afganistan is so forgettable, Hillary Clinton (did you know that she is the Secretary of State?) forgot to bring it up on her recent trip to Pakistan. As for the economy, as far as I can tell there was never any real problem, and there still isn't; except the no jobs thing. And people hiding their cash from sunlight. Besides that, it's all good.

I'll get back to you soon. I'm going to look for some content. Be right back.